Communicating with children who lost their parents because of the war

Losing a parent to war is a difficult and traumatic experience for children. It is important that adults who communicate with such children show sensitivity, understanding and support.

Today, anyone can find themselves in a similar situation, so it is very important to understand the basic rules of communication with traumatized children in order not to harm them in any way.

Here are some psychologist's tips for communicating with children who have lost their parents because of the war:

• Listen to their feelings. Try to understand their feelings and give them the opportunity to express their thoughts and emotions.
• Do not judge or minimize their pain, but instead provide support. Be patient: allow children to express their emotions and be who they are.
• Don't touch on painful topics if they don't want to talk about them, but let them know that you are always ready to listen if they are willing to share.
• Create a stable environment: Try to ensure stability and security in their environment.
• Provide information at their level: Discuss the loss of a parent using simple, concise language adapted to their level of understanding. Answer their questions frankly, without hiding important information, but in a way that is age-appropriate.
• Take care of their physical and mental health. Provide children with adequate medical care and allow them to express any physical or emotional difficulties. Encourage participation in activities that promote physical and psychological well-being.
• Support their socialization: help them maintain and develop social connections with other children and adults. Engage them in activities that can help them find support and understanding in the community.

It is important to take into account the individual needs and characteristics of each child, and to seek professional help if difficult situations or psychological difficulties arise.

Burning in children

Each of us will lose our parents someday, the only question is when.

When children between the ages of 2 and 17 lose their parents, it is especially difficult. At this point, they need a lot of support. The misconception is that "children forget quickly" - in fact, children grieve just like adults. Grieving is a healing process for them. You can't hide the death of a loved one from a child, and you can't pass the responsibility of telling another person or a psychologist about the news on to them. If mom or dad are grieving and do not tell the child why they are crying, the child automatically takes the blame - "I am bad."

Grief in children has the following phases:

1. The first phase is denial, isolation.
2. The second one is anger, and it is pronounced - fighting, breaking objects.
3. The third phase is bargaining, and if I'm nice, the deceased will come back.
4. The fourth phase is the phase of depression, in which children cannot cope with strong emotions and may have psychosomatic symptoms: pain, nightmares, weight loss or gain, sleep problems, etc.
5. The fifth phase is acceptance, when a child accepts the death of a loved one.

It takes at least one year to complete these five phases!

Reactions to death depend on the age of the child. They feel that something is missing, even if they can't say what it is yet. They miss the deceased, his or her touch, voice, facial expression, skin smell, and things they did together.

The role of parents in this process:

1. Allow the child to experience all emotions, to grieve and to lose.

2. During the grieving process, it is important for a child to feel important and loved.

3. 3. There should be a healthy adult with the child who allows himself to grieve and share his feelings with the child.

4. If an adult does not express his or her emotions, the child may get the impression that grieving is wrong and shameful, and therefore that he or she should hide his or her feelings.

5. Do not distract the child from grieving so that he or she will forget it as soon as possible.

How to help a child aged 2 to 11 in the process of grieving:

1. Create a new daily routine, or make sure that there are no major changes to the old one.

2. Keep the child stable, take the child in your arms.

3. Allow active games.

4. Do not be surprised by any behavioral or personality changes.

5. Take care of the child and comfort him/her, pay more attention. Make sure the child knows where you are going and when you will return.

6. Tell the truth about death, explaining that it is the final stop from which there is no return.

7. Use words to describe emotions that the child does not yet understand - "you are angry, you are sad, you are scared."

8. 8. Be patient.

How to help a teenager?

1. Talk to him constantly if he wants to.

2. Listen without interrupting or devaluing.

3. Remember that a teenager's mood can change dramatically.

4. Make sure that the child receives adequate nutrition and rest.

5. Keep in touch with your child throughout the day, but without being annoying, by agreeing in advance when you can call him or her.

6. Become a support for the child.

When should you contact a specialist for help?

• The child cries bitterly for a long time.
• Frequent manifestations of anger.
• School grades and results are deteriorating.
• The child withdraws into himself.
• He often has nightmares in his sleep.
• He complains of headaches.
• Sudden weight loss or weight gain.
• Loss of interest in life.
• Sleep disturbance, appetite, enuresis, shaking with fear, obsessive thoughts.

Exercise "Box of Grief"

To survive grief, you need to grieve.

Find a box, put in it: a candle and matches, a photo of the deceased, clean sheets of paper or a notebook, a pen or pencil. Choose a convenient place in the house/apartment where no one will disturb you for 30 minutes. Let it be a date with the deceased. Agree with yourself that I will set aside 30 minutes for this, and then I will wipe my tears and go about my business. If you are doing this exercise with a child, allow them to express all the feelings they have. Be there for him and containerize these feelings.

During this exercise, you can: write a diary, draw, sit over a candle, look at photos, tell the events of the day, write about grief, just be silent, you need and can cry; get angry, tear up the paper, beat the pillow. After 30 minutes have passed, close the box, extinguish the candle, inhale and exhale, go wash your face, make tea, or take a shower. This can be either your ritual, your child's ritual, or your joint ritual. At first, you can do it daily, and then as needed.

If the child withdraws into himself and does not want to talk or hear about the death of his father or mother at all, you can make a tradition: organize a memorial evening once a week, where you recall the happy moments of your life together while watching photos and videos. At such moments, the child can allow himself to talk or cry, which has been so difficult to do until now.

The main thing to remember is that the best way to forget is to remember!

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The material was prepared by the PFTF team and psychologist Olena Leonidova

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